How do I deal with addictions?

We’ve received several questions from individuals who find that dealing with addictions is a major component in their lives. Often this takes the form of having a partner and/or a parent who is an alcoholic. These people relate feelings of helplessness, being compelled to try to aid but experiencing a hopelessness that things will ever change. The first place to look, always, when it seems that another is causing you problems or you feel yourself to be the victim of their behavior, is at projection. Whatever you are seeing or judging in another is yours. It shows what you believe and judge in yourself. The ego mind will scream out, “No! It’s them, it’s not me!” Listening to the ego thoughts just continues the cycle, ensuring there will be no resolution and no change. The hopeless endlessness and futility of any attempts at solutions will persist. The cause of the challenge is never outside of you; it is always within.

Confusing cause and effect is the hallmark of the ego mind. When you accept that the addiction is yours, it becomes a whole new game. You can now ask yourself what you are addicted to. You will not likely face that if you remain attached to the belief that it is the other who is addicted. In the case of perceived alcoholism, some people are addicted to living with an alcoholic. Addiction is a patterned response when one doesn’t accept what is here now in their life. Of course, this is easily seen with alcoholics. They find life to be not acceptable. Depression or other undesirable emotions can be escaped through the consumption of alcohol. Addiction is simply avoidance; it is using some technique to not be in the now. It is an expression of wanting life to be other than it is. An awareness of the habit of rejecting what is in yourself makes it much easier to see your own addiction. You may be telling yourself that you don’t drink like your partner does, so you are not an addict. But do you reject your partner as they are, wishing them to display different behavior? That may be one of your addictions. You do not accept what is. Your mind might be asking, is it okay just to accept the drinking with no attempt to stop it? Has your disapproval, your judgment had any effect so far? Do you actually have the power to change the situation? For some of you this has gone on for decades. All your efforts have failed. What remains is the addiction to try to make a difference, to not accepting what is.

Let’s take this away from the stereotypical examples of addiction such as alcohol and drugs. Anything that you do to avoid being in and accepting the now is addictive behavior. Let’s say you are having an uncomfortable feeling. You may choose to meditate, because in your experience, meditating allows you to rise above uncomfortable emotions and go to another more peaceful place. This is addictive behavior. Though this action does not carry along with it the same health concerns that accompany drinking or drugs, it is like them in that it does not “solve” the problem. It simply avoids it for the moment. The feelings will return. The habit of choosing to escape uncomfortable feelings will continue. The relief is only temporary. You each have your addictions of choice for avoiding what you don’t want to see. Some go for walks, train or run, or eat (ice cream seems to be the recipient of much of the blame here).

What would it look like to actually face the demons in your life? To begin with it might mean to empty the mind of thoughts about the situation. Thoughts are an addiction. The need to understand is an addiction. Let go of that mental activity. You can’t stop a thought from coming into your mind, nor can you choose the next one. You can choose to not dwell on what arrives. You can stop following or acting on those thoughts. You can starve them through inattention. Where does the focus go if not to mental activity? Your awareness goes to the feeling you are wanting to escape. You probably have a label or a name for this feeling. It might be anger, envy, hopelessness, frustration, or anxiety. Let go of the definition; don’t give it a name. Don’t treat it like a thing and put it in a box. Instead ask how this emotion now expresses itself in your body. What are you feeling? Notice where in the body these sensations are felt. What are they like? Do not try to get rid of them or to have them change in a way that might be more comfortable. Even let go of any thoughts that your willingness to face the feelings will allow you to feel better.

All the preceding warnings are to help you avoid addictive behavior. The ego mind wants to choose anything rather than be with what is, so your job is simply to accept or face what is there and to experience it fully without any other agenda. As you fully experience the sensations, as you pay complete attention to them, you will notice that they change. Nothing remains constant in the now except your presence and awareness. The change that occurs is not due to your attention. Change is the natural course. Your attention simply allows you to be aware of the movement. If you try to use your mind to explain and understand or change the feeling, you lose touch with what is being felt in the now and, instead, will hold on rigidly to the previous feeling. This does not mean that the change will provide a lessening of the sensation. It might increase; it might move to other parts of your body. Again, your only task is to stay with the bodily sensation and ignore whatever your mind might try to tell you. So, you sit and listen to whatever is present in those feelings just as you might sit and listen to the birds chirping or the leaves rustling in the breeze or the scream of a siren in the distance. Those sounds are there. You can’t make them go away. You can cover your ears, but the sounds are still there. You can choose addictive behavior, but the feelings are still there. You can opt to experience the fullness of the feelings in your body without taking recourse to the addictive patterns of thinking about the discomfort. Let go of definitions and words. Find out what is truly there and allow it to exist. Let it remain as long as it wants to be there. Let it morph into whatever it will become, not because you wish it would become something else, but because that is its nature, and you are curious to see where it will lead.

Let’s return to something we touched on earlier. I can hear the silent screams coming from some of you, upset that We might call your meditation an addiction. The function of meditation is to experience and hear what is present, totally, including the guidance that is heard from your inner wisdom, from your Divine self. It is not to be used to shut out the world or to go to a euphoric place. That, again, is addictive behavior, avoidance. I am by no means discouraging you from indulging in meditation if you find it to be relaxing and enjoyable. But I ask you to be absolutely honest with yourself. What is your motivation here? Do you use it for escape? We would suggest that true meditation is letting the mind and thoughts go and being fully aware of what is transpiring in the present. There is an absolute purpose for the emotion you are feeling. The mind wants to figure out what the feeling is about. The mind is not capable of doing this. We could say that the mind’s thoughts and beliefs are responsible for triggering the feeling. How can the mind be cause and solution at the same time? It can’t. It can only continue to muddy the water. The mind cannot defeat the mind. You simply learn how to not pay attention to it. Your emotional response is likely the reaction to something the mind is holding as true. Changing thoughts is like electing new leaders. Nothing is solved. Your meditative process is to accept every feeling, all that is around you, without censure or judgment. It is not to shut out the feelings, but to amp up the reception. True meditation is not active or directive, but passive and receptive. As we talked about in previous messages, it is tuning into Divine Will, not personal will. You don’t have to change your mind; you just stop thinking. You don’t have to change your feelings. In fact you can’t, rather you pay attention to what is there. As the mind begins to stop creating poisonous lies, the body will stop reacting. In the meantime, it is good to know. There is an enormous benefit to listening to what your feeling has to say. You don’t blame the smoke alarm for the fire. Disabling it will certainly not leave you safer. Have gratefulness for your alarm system going off. Your feeling is showing that your mind is on a bender. It is not your task to figure all this out. You only listen to the feelings and allow them to lead you, rather than attempting to lead them. Follow them. They are not the problem. It would be closer to the truth to call them the solution, but the deepest truth is that there is no problem. This is a balancing energy to the confusion of the mind. Listen to these sensations and allow them to take you where they will. That ultimate place is deep within you. This is true meditation.

As you are releasing your addiction to the mind, your habit of escaping the feelings by attempting to change, ignore, or get rid of them, your mind is not simply going to wave a white flag and surrender. It might play some of the following games. It could go the route of justification through proclaiming your feelings to be good and right because anybody in your situation would be reacting as you are. If you listen to this, you have let the mind back in and withdrawn focus from the feeling sensations. Another mind game is to try and understand your feelings. Your mind will also try to defend the feelings, a close partnership with justification. You may try to make yourself feel righteous, while whoever has triggered the emotion is in the wrong. Feelings are not good and bad. They just are. Joy and ecstasy are not good feelings. Trying to hold onto “good” feelings while jettisoning “bad” feelings is another example of mind games. You will not be successful in holding those you want anymore than you are able to get rid of those you don’t like. Full awareness of your feelings speaks nothing about action or expression of the feeling sensations. Any need to express your feelings is an idea. Spontaneously something may burst forth, but that is just what is. Notice the expression and let it be a part of your now (though it will quickly recede from that stage). You may be guided to action, but no decision is involved there. You simply know and do, always then returning awareness to the present. These feelings are yours. Others have no need to know of their existence. In a similar manner to how you would not be likely to do your meditation on a busy city street with sounds of traffic and loud voices of pedestrians around you, facing your feelings is best done in a quieter setting and does not involve other people.

Let’s go full circle now and return to the initial question which dealt with the addictions of others, rather than personal addictions. When you stop projecting upon your partner or whoever the other person might be and own the addiction yourself, dealing with it as we have discussed in this message, interesting things will happen. Interesting things are always happening in the now. I want to remind you that your job is not to seek results, but to be with whatever is happening. The goal is not to end your partner’s alcoholism. All that is required is that you be present with what is happening and with whatever feelings are elicited from you. As you are staying present with these emotions, maybe you notice changes in your partner and maybe you don’t. That is not important. What is of significance is what is going on within you. Stay away from your thoughts so you can notice what is present. Whatever that might be, it is not static. The present is constantly moving. Stay with it. As you take full responsibility for yourself, you will gradually become aware that you are not responsible for your partner. As you stop judging yourself, so will you stop judging the other. As everything fully comes home to you and you accept your part in the game, noticing where your addictions lie and taking responsibility for where you do have power, one of two things will likely occur. One may be that you accept your partner as they are, whether they have stopped drinking or not, and are no longer negatively impacted and are guided to stay in the relationship. On the other hand, you may feel guided to leave the relationship, made aware that that mirror is no longer necessary. These are not right and wrong decisions, in fact they are not truly decisions but rather “knowing” that become obvious. Beyond that, no action or guidance is forever; it is for right now. Your job is always with yourself. When you listen to and take care of yourself, you are taking care of the world. When you don’t take care of yourself, you are serving no one. Be with your feelings in the now. Stop fighting what is happening and really listen to and welcome everything, rather than trying to change or improve anything. Let that awareness guide you and your relationship. That’s it!

Good Now

Sanhia/Spirit